You are reading:
MY TRASH PLaNET
© WRiTER oN THe MoON
Wishing Y'All Godspeed
During the journey back to My Trash Planet, where I am suddenly determined to exterminate every human being that inhabits it, Jeanette tries to calm me down while cooking a paella full of vegetables.
She insists that I think it over, that I should spend at least a couple more minutes on it, while she adds broth to the rice, humming a Mary Poppins tune.
"Stop this thing right now!" She yells at me suddenly like a deranged nut.
From the shock I stop RA inmediately, exactly on the planet that these abnormal "ass fools" call Jupiter. Specifically just <<below>> (the positions are relative, but for me I could swear that we are below) one of its satellites where the Le'TitinCes live, some bizarre and colorful creatures that flourished in these parts as mussels do in the rocks of My Trash Planet.
"Try my rice and please, darling, take a deep breath. Remember, your breath is incredibly important ... No, wait, it is how you breathe what is really important."
I take a deep breath and the way she says how puzzles me.
I try the paella.
"It is delicious, don't you think?"
I nod licking on my fingers. Another of the wonderful qualities that Jeanette possesses is the absolute mastery of the art of cooking.
"To the point" and she laughs herself, putting her hand to her mouth. "To some extent, it is your fault, dear friend. If you think about it slowly, it is mine too, for leaving you alone. In the end, that I am unable to create life on any planet and have been obfuscated in creating it, is no excuse for having neglected you. I should have helped you, instead of wandering on an octopus deflecting risky asteroids."
I draw her as a baseball player hitting menacing rocky bodies. Actually, this is how she intercepts them.
"And what can we do? I thought the situation was delicate, but what is actually happening is that it has gotten out of hand."
"Didn't you see how the waiter with the mysterious inner essence and the woman with the red lips shone at the exact moment they saw us for who we really are? It is as if our existence has given meaning to theirs at a stroke."
"Go straight to the point," I say.
I'm still slightly drunk from: the Gin & Tonics<< Most Amazing & Cool in all of Madrid >> I had on the attic terrace of the Madrid hotel and Jeanette's lunar wine glasses, so right now I only manage to remember them as decorative scarecrows in the perpetual lunar halloween.
I feel like crying.
"I think you should come out of the closet, in front of everyone's eyes. Especially elephants, cats and dolphins, which we cannot fool any longer. Those have already caught you (especially the cats) and discovered your plan. I, hand in hand with you, if you want..."
"Don't you think it's crazy?" I ask, scared.
Jeanette shrugs: "We have nothing to lose, honey. Look, I suggest that we land on this moon, have a picnic and think about it.
The idea sounds wonderful to me.
Dressed in this way we land. We throw a blanket on the rocky ground. Jupiter hides on the horizon. Hold on, IT IS ACTUALLY RISING over the horizon.
Le'TitinCes adore Jeanette and flock to the impromptu picnic. She is famous around this area since, although it is not her obligation, she also protects them from meteorites. Actually, Le'TitinCes exist thanks to her.
They pile up on each other and stare at us like we're freaks. Those little eyes they have are adorable...
When I think this revelry is coming to an end, Jeanette pulls out another bottle of her wine from her picnic basket. She tells me that if I think the party was ending, that I'm wrong, according to her this has only just begun.
As I dance to whatever Le'TitinCes sing, I think to myself that I'm exhausted. That I am way too old to be partying at this level of demand. And I wonder if I am in a position to come out of the closet in front of so many millions of beings.
After a slight regenerating nap of seven minutes and having vomited part of the paella, we resumed the trip. In a flock, hundreds of millions of Le'TitinCes accompany RA drawing a titanic rainbow. They have tasted the rice that I have vomited and they have gone crazy.
During the trip we make some kind of a marketing plan for our entrance into My Trash Planet. Jeanette says that once our ship becomes visible in the lower layers of the atmosphere of My Planet Trash, (we have not yet decided where we will appear) it will shock all creatures (except elephants, dolphins and cats), and that in beings Humans (the most dangerous and difficult to predict) will have reactions << of various kinds>>.
I am convinced that from RA they expect the typical green aliens that they have hidden themselves.
Jeanette spits out an unexpected idea: "We'll go out dressed like superheroes. That will mislead them."
We draw ourselves, excited.
We laugh and then panic at all this unexpected paraphernalia. We stopped just halfway between My Trash Planet and the moon.
We take out the sewing machine and get down to business when it comes to making a superhero costume.
Le'TitinCes have followed us here. If they already adored Jeanette for her advocacy work, the fact that she gave them the remains of the paella has raised her to the level of Almighty God.
It occurs to me that if they accompany and enter with us, the first impression we can make can be brutal.
This whole thing of coming out of the closet is growing on me, so feelings that vibrate at a certain frequency and travel faster than light (yes, it is possible) escape from me.
The leader of the cats in My Trash Planet has just << have a hunch >> that runs from his whiskers to his tail and, freaking out, meows at the moon, confirming what they already knew from the remote times of the Egypt of pharaohs.
Rumors are spreading like wildfire. (There is nothing juicier than a good gossip...)
Ants doubt the word of a cat.
Domestic dogs are completely blinded by the light they think their owners emit, so they don't even realize.
A whale with very red lips warns all marine fauna that what is coming might be the end. Nobody believes her except dolphins, of course, who ask for the source of origin. The red-lipped whale says that it comes from cats. The dolphins look at each other and celebrate as if they were saved. However, they flip out when the red-lipped whale talks about knowing me from a past life, that she was human before being a whale, that her last night on My Trash Planet she spent it aboard a spaceship and that she earned 22,000 euros a year. When she started talking about what was being taken from her in taxes, the hopeless dolphins fell apart.
That was the exact moment the message was diluted and it lost all its power.
However, the leader of the cats knows perfectly what he has felt and how gossip works. So he is about to meow with more force than the last time to the moon when her owner grabs him by the back to feed and give him "little bath." The cat, then, curses the human race.